A heart of stone, a smoking gun
I can give you life, I can take it away

A heart of stone, a smoking gun
I'm working it out
Why'd you feel so underrated?
Why'd you feel so negated?

Turning away from the light
Becoming adult

SOMEBODY ELSE

If I was not myself, I would be somebody else.

But actually I am somebody else.

I have been somebody else all my life.

It's no laughing matter going about the place

all the time being somebody else:

people mistake you; you mistake yourself

Jackie Kay

Let me watch by the fire and remember my days
And it may be a trick of the firelight
But the flickering pages that trouble my sight
Is a book I'm afraid to write
...
there are promises broken and promises kept
Angry words that were spoken, when I should have wept
There's a chapter of secrets, and words to confess
If I lose everything that I possess
There's a chapter on loss and a ghost who won't die
There's a chapter on love where the ink's never dry
There are sentences served in a prison I built out of lies.
...
Though the pages are numbered
I can't see where they lead
For the end is a mystery no-one can read
In the book of my life
sting

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; she is walking down the street. with hands in her pockets and discman in her bag. she made it louder. voice of brian molko is so pervading that she cannot concentrate on something else. she pays no attention to people she is passing by. 'watch out!'- she is hearing. she even did not stop.    & nbsp;   &n bsp;

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  you see her every day. what are you thinking of her? always dressed in black, with logo of her favourite band on her t-shirt. placebo. that name does not mean anything to you. you even did not know that group exists. now you do.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  one day she saw on tv strange man with black nails and dark make-up singing ,,teenage angst''. she believed him. although it was 3 years ago placebo still affects her. she would be different person if it were not for it. maybe better...

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  she sat on the bench, looked into the sky and smiled to herself. ,, do not join the masquerade''-she heard in her headphones. she stood up and turned up the sound even more. in spite of the fact people looked around for her, she did not care. first time since long time ago.

I'll just close my eyes
Do as you like... Fright
And all the time, I sham
'Cos so very seldom I want to laugh... Fright
And if it proves all right
I've got a fantastic method for life... Fright
You've got some good advice
Your suggestion's not
I want to try... Fright

A huge hole in the door
Making my things public
You see me now... Fright
I'm angry in my calm
And I can no longer look on and stand

Fright... Fright

I want to find some words
And shout out all furies
I hate you all... Fright

ask her what she really wants, what aims she has. don't let her go. but you're not listening. you've already made a decision and it has nothing to do with her. 

you're trying to see her through. again and again. what's more, you think you succeeded. you analysed all her reactions and actions. you're looking at her with compassion and you know you're better than her.she knows it as well. but soon she will be out of your sight. don'be afraid. she won't be back. 

/she can't do anything. she's hopeless both at english and polish. being asked, she even can't say a few words about it. maybe she doesn't have her own opinion? yes, they think so. and she's starting to believe them./ 

you try to be strong but it doesn't come off. with every day you're become even weaker.and they always put blame on you, they pour scorn on yor world.some day they will destroy it. completely...

/ you're sitting in your room and trying not to notice that there is noone you can talk to. silence is so pervading. you're drowning in it. but nobody is hearing your voice.../

Miałem kiedyś plan zostawić wszystkich was
Odmienić dziwny los, zbudować sobie raj
Zaczepić myśli gdzieś, gdzie nie dochodzi śmiech
Gdzie żaden ślepy szpieg nie rozszyfruje mnie

Dzika noc, dziki dzień
Wielki strach i przerażenie
Mówią źle, mówią zły, mówią wariat

hundreds of people mourning John Paul the Second. in St. Peter's Square, in Warsaw, in Cracov, all over the world...nobody is able to describe what's going on. here and there. in hearts and minds. everyone realises that without Him it wouldn't be the same.

lack of words to express my feelings. tears...poignancy...

/although i am not a catholic i can't denied He meant a lot to me. His power and religious zeal were what distinguished Him from other representants of catholic church.He was able to unite youth of many nation. His words and authonticate taught their hearts.i hope they still do...

Goodbye Father... i'll try not to let You down.../

pain...powerlessness...sadness...and light sparkling somewhere in the middle of the night.light of hope...

/ i promised You sth today. and i am gonna keep my promise. cause Your death changed everything.but the answer is: for how long? i'll try. one more time.for You.../

chaotic thoughts.like me today.

you live as long as people remember you and your acts. He was one of those who will live forever. in people's hearts , in their minds and thoughts. He was example of a man who wasn't scared of any problems .He faced them with dignity and devotion. His faith was so strong that influenced on others. even there when it seemed to be impossible. He passed away but left His spririt and words. words that can break the chains...

i can fly
but I want his wings
i can shine even in the darkness
but I crave the light that he brings

I will wait in a line for the club lights to hypnotize
Move as one in the night when the beats hit like we're alive
Like birds on a wire
We'll hold on that much

With confidence rise
As phoenix we fly
Unconquered we lie
Gravity catches up

this blog is some kind of emotional exhibitionism. a place where you write because you know nobody will read it.but sometimes you want sb to come and read.you want to scream out all your fears and doubts.when pain is so intensive that you cannot breathe, when you want to speak but words don't come out.teenage angst? maybe.one day it will go away.and i'll go away with it.'cause nobody's home.

easter.masquerade.faith left many years ago.too many.

You're in sect!!!We've got to get you out of this!!!

But they aren't sect!!! Only once trust me! I'm absolutely conscious what i'm doing!

Yes mum , you kept your promise.You didn't let me get involved in my own life.You made a decision for me.And who am i now?

hold your breath and count to ten.then fall apart and start again...spring is in the air. but you're sitting in front of your computer and looking at the screen.what do you want to see?  your virtual world even in the spring is the same.nothing changes.although you know,  outside there is different world , you consciously choose the other one. more stable and safe. where loneliness and anonymity play crucial role. are you defending from it? no , you accepted it. you've become victim of fate. what's more ,at your request.

więc pokaż mi drogę bez prawa jazdy

pierdolnij mnie w głowę wełnianym młotkiem

alone among people. and you don't want to change it. you created your individual world and you don't let anybody come in. what would she/he see? scared person who tries to hide all her fears. what's more she's quite good in pretending. only by night,when everybody went sleep she can be herself. when nobody sees , nobody evaluates. she knows such behaviour leads to nowhere. but despite this she still becomes passive.with dreams and hopes which will never come true.

you are looking at her every day.what are you thinking of her? is she insane? or maybe you just contempt her ? you're nodding your head. so we have sth in common. i contempt her as well.

i don't know how to change myself.i can't pretend there is sth i'm anxious to do. everytime i try, i fall to the ground. but nobody notices, nobody cares.as usual. emptiness.lovely emptiness.i've already got used to it.and they're laughing and pointing their fingers at me. defence? nonsense . they won't believe. they've already judged me. verdict-guilty.and i' not going to appeal this decision.not that time.

/let me live/but he isn't listening/look at me/what are you seeing/human who tried to be only a human/she failed/

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here

RADIOHEAD

nothing is as simple as it seems . i have never thought that life can be so complicated and unpredictable . i moved house . now i have to do everything on my own . there aren't parents who always help and advise . i am only me . my problems , my thoughts , my dreams , my life . i would be hypocrite if i wrote that i wasn't afraid of it . i was .still i am . hovewer i don't regret my decision . i share my room with another person . a girl with my student group . i get along with her . night talkings , mutual passion to music . sometimes i think she's my soulmate . but the same moment it occurs to me i try to get rid of such thoughts . i just don't want to disappoint myself again . i don't have enough courage to take a risk . or maybe i deceive myself ? who knows ? i don't .

read a book about the self
Said I should get expensive help
Go fix my head
Create some wealth
Put my neurosis on the shelf

PLACEBO

,,We are dreaming of tomorrow , and tomorrow isn’t coming

we are dreaming of a glory that we don’t really want.

We are dreaming of a new day when the new day’s here already.

We are running from the battle when it’s one that must be fought.

And still we sleep.

We are listening for the calling but never really heeding,

Hoping for the future when the future’s only plans.

Dreaming of the wisdom that we are dodging daily,

Praying for a savior when salvation’s in our hands.

And still we sleep.

And still we sleep.

And we pray.

An still we fear…’’

breakdown

''it's a beautiful day, the sky falls

and you feel like it's a beautiful day

it's a beautiful day

don't let it get away''

U2

shiny day. everything's shining. me too. world seems so beautiful in the streams of light. nothing changes. this moment lasts.i don't want to stop it.problems somewhere above me, unavoidable. sun is dazzling my soul. i feel free. first since long time ago. fantastic feeling. i'm sitting by the window and looking out of it. i'm seeing the same people, the same biuldings , the same gravity. but i'm not the same .finally...tears... they are always coming unexpectedly...to my surprise they don't distroy or hurt. i won't let them defeat me. not that time. i just forgot that you can cry from happiness too ...

despondency...lack of faith... pain... although i know it'll appear in my life many times yet , i'm going' to fight . fight for my own happiness...i hope not in vain...

idlewild - when i argue i see shapes

sidney polak feat.pezet - otwieram wino

morrisey - firts of the fang to die

travis - side

placebo - every me every you

dm - behind the wheel

music filled all my world.only in it i find understanding. everything is so familiar then.sounds pervade my emotions, thougths.music is a solace for my soul , my private remedy for pain and anger.it accompanies me in every moment of my life .music is my passion , great love which never lets me down .i hope i'll never betray it too.i couln't exist without it.i wouldn't be the same person.music flames my senses , has an impact on my decisions.but above all, it forms my personality and tenderness. without it i would die inside.it would kill my sensitivity to beauty.everything would seem different. i would be different...

'one day i know we 'll find a place called home

 be born again with love comes the day'

starsailor - way to fall

dm - death's door

kaliber 44 -moja obawa( badz a klekne)

sidney polak feat.pezet - otwieram wino

i am kloot - i wanna be alone

pj harvey - this mess we're in

-why are you crying ? - asked the moon

-because i don't have the magic you' ve got - answered the sun

there is nothing i can complain about.i have loving family , i 'm able to afford to many things but sth makes me feel unhappy.maybe i got accustomed to playing such role in life: modest girl who keeps herself to herself.always when i 'm around people it seems to me that everybody is looking at me and only waiting for my faults.i know it's stupid but i can't stop doing it.it isn't that i feel worse than others or sth like that .i'm aware of my own worth.i don't understand myself.i'd like to be someone else. why some people don't have problems or if they have they don't care about it.but i don't have any problems.i just can't cope with myself.or maybe i'm thinking too much.sb said that human shouldn't use intelligence because without it seemed better and more colorful.even life.let's see at Forest Gump.he took pleasure from life , did his best to be good person , just did what he thought he should have done.i love this film.it shows love to ordinariness .cuz extraordinariness you can find on ordinary people's ways ( i don't know if this sentence is correct but you know i'm not fluent at english yet, i'm stiil learning).very often people don't notice what's going on around them.they are only absorbed in earning

money.for them every day is the same.i'm not saying it's wrong.it's just sb's choice.that's all.fortunately i don't have to decide about it now.

i wanna catch the moment

see the stars above me

look at the birds flying around me

feel air in my lungs

fill my chest with happiness

and silently fall to the ground

without scream and shout

just fall asleep

it's the easiest

,,we're flying high , we're watching the world pass us by

naver want to come down , never want to put my feet back down on the ground''

DM

' i'm not the only one starin' at the sun

afraid of what you'd find if you took a look inside

not just a deaf and dumb staring at the sun

not the only one who's happy to go blind'

human shouldn't be alone. i am . i still haven't found my soulmate.or maybe i expect too much from life? maybe i can't socialize with anyone? too many questions.as usual.'i've never been an extravert but i'm still breathing'.although i didn't want to be such person i must live.it's really hard.the worst thing is pretending.showing all world how happy i am . yeah , it's hypocritical.i'm conscious about it but i can't keep doin' it.i have specific kind of thinking, feeling and i'm afraid people can perceive me as stranger. nobody's know what i'm thinkin' at particular moment.i'm a good actor. i conceal my real emotions because i don't wanna to dissapoint .again... people can hurt and i'm not strong enough.not today . not yet. i believe it changes some day.sb told : ' girl , you're only 18 and you have such problems, look around , there are so many people who want to be your friends, chill out and have fun from life!'. easier said than done.but it's truth.i deceive  myself. i didn't find anybody i could share my problems with because i've never been lookin' for. because i've always pretended sb who i am not. it's about time i controlled my life and happiness.the faster the better.some period in my life has just finished. period of high school. new will start in month.phase of student life. i wanna start everythin from scratch.new place , new people, new me.but this time true one.i hope i won't regret...but i can't hide any longer...it's high time i left my shelter...last chance.i'm going to take advantage of it...

my grandma went to the hospital .tomorrow she's having an operation. i worry about her .today she came to me say goodbye and suddenly burst into tears. i saw fear in her eyes.it beyonds me.i explain to myself it's a simple operation but it doesn't work. i imagine the worst.

death or life ? light or dark ? who has such power to  decide about people's life ? still the great unknown... it's amazing that we think about our relates only when we know they can go away and never come back...yeah they stay in our hearts and memory but it isn't the same.i don't wanna grandma to die ... i will miss her ...but it isn't up to me...i couln't stand if sth went wrong... i believe...i wanna to believe...there is nothing apart it i can rely on.i 've never told grandma i loved her .i do.nothing changes it.even death...

sun is shining above me . i don't care about anything. sky is so beautiful. i wanna stay here as long as possible.nothing matters.only me and my thoughts.clouds are moving,  changing  their shapes.  I’m changing too. fear is pervading my body. scare…again…i can’t bear it anymore. i.m cryin’. protect me from what I want.not today… it happened…pain disappeared…consciousne ss disappeared… I’m happy…finally…

sounds:

alanis morisette

i started to lead this blog to show my inner feelings . i ' ve alvays been an introvert who had problems to get along with people.i isolated from my family, friends.i stayed alone...again...i asked muself : ' what's wrong with me ?' i had never find an answer.there was period in my life when i went nowhere, met with noone, just couldn't work out with my dark thoughts.conscious of powerlesness is the worst thing that doesn't keep you in peace.i suffered from depression but i didn't let help myself.i lived day to day, dreaming of my own end. but it didn't happen.now i'm a different person. i changed my way of thinking and now i try to distance from life. of course still have days when i don't want see anyone , when everything goes wrong but i know such is life.once i didn't listen to music. today music is my all world.without its influence i wouln't be the same person.what can i say else? sth about me .i'm from poland (country in the centre of europe  ) , i'm 18 , i'm a student ( not yet but in two months).

***

'DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

RAGE RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OG THE LIGHT'

dylan thomas

***

sounds:

placebo - english summer rain

jeff frusciante - loss

coldplay - yellow

morrisey - i'm not sorry

pj harvey - the letter